2010年6月25日星期五

Completely Unsocializable

After 3 yrs staying abroad, I have successfully turned myself into a silent person, no social life at all, although it is not important to me, but sometimes I still feel helpless and useless.

Abroad
Good:
good education system, many more opportunities, fast internet, lots of academic resources, new tech stuff available
Bad:
English, racial discrimination, communicating badly, no common topics, no friendship, cooperating with other will be difficult, not used to American's life style (like party and stuff), even researchers like to social, don't want to act stupid, so I will have to avoid social activities as many as possible, not easy to get a job for a alien, disgusting food, and high price. Totally can not blend in. The worst part is that I am invisible to them, which means I am a totally outsider, actually, even if I am able to talk very nice English, like some of my Chinese friends, they are still willing to hang out with Chinese, not the Americans, which is why the lifestyle is more important.

Homeland
Good:
good food, have social network, have family living together, no worry to move, speak Chinese, cheaper.
Bad:absolutely disaster academically, and fucking bureau systems, have no social security network, must try hard to earn money, and if you ever get a chance to go abroad, you are ranked second class, people are too smart to organize.

There are two solutions, one for each country, one is that I will be able to speak English more confidently and better, then I am sure I won't feel sad whenever I am about to talk, and I am able to express myself freely, that will at least help me out of nervous. The other one is to wait or help China evolve into a better country, with international reputation, not only for its population and anything that is because of its gigantic size, for example, let her own citizen feel proud of its high technology and science achievement, improve its high-education system.

No where to go, China seems will fail soon, and here I don't have an idea what to do, what to make a living...

目前看来最实际的应该是赶紧赚钱,赚很多钱,这样才能想干啥干啥而不必被他人浪费时间,不然就只能碰运气去做,十有八九要失败。

这年头都他妈很有趣,找女朋友,没感觉,看祖国,很堕落,看国外,被鄙视,读博士,还没门,确实挺没劲的。又一个血逼大低潮


有时候也在想,是不是本人的学术能力和把妹能力一样低下呢?很害怕,毕竟如果是一样的,就没出路了,试想当一种渴望的能力和天生的本能一样是必需的,那么就算知道没有希望也要强撑,难道不痛苦吗?